Dear Syria,

I am your President Bashar al-Assad. I was popularly elected at the age of 34, under the auspices of the Baath Party and my father, your previous President.

I am part of the Aluwite miniority clan, but, as unwilling as the Sunni Muslim majority was, I had a 97.2% support rate in the 2001 referendum. We exhibited that we were popularly selected, unlike other states like Bahrain or Jordan which have hereditary transfers of power. We were uncontested in this respect, and, having commanded the respect of all our people, I moved immediately for political reform.

When I was first elected, I took rapid action for a “New Deal” on rights. Over 600 political prisoners were released, most of them Islamists, and removed martial court and political prisons. I didn’t do those anymore. I gave the press some liberties, with sweeping conditions that they adopted our pan-Arabic stance. I believe the press necessarily enlighten the people of what their state is, and how their state responds to issues. The other parties have shown support for us by voluntarily curbing their newspapers.

I believe that we must join in solidarity in our unified fight against the Western forces of Satan. It is a national duty – Israel and the US constantly want to subert and destroy all that we hold dear, and we must prohibit them from doing so. It is in our interest, and indeed, in my interest too, therefore, to ensure that no Western concepts take root. I have banned democracy and its need for accountability and reform, as well as the civil society and its net of rights. These are solely Western concepts, and we cannot condone them if we are to protect our 4000-year-old superior heritage.

Some dissidents, agents of the West, have asked: why Lebanon? I have been trying to explain to us all, in the mist of martial law, that we had to assume responsibility of Lebanon as a natural political step, not because it generated profit for us by providing employment, but because our good ally, Iran, provides us with state cash in return for temporarily loaning space for Hezbollah operations. This organisation is crucial in our fight against the West, which we are winning. Iran’s nucleic rise means they can soon manufacture peaceful weapons, to make battle against the scarce US stockpiles and useless satellites.

We are of Arabian and Muslim ancestry, and we must continue to make the right foreign policy decisions for the right domestic reasons. We reject all US allies – Egypt, Israel, Jordan and Turkey – a conspiracy which we shall never forgive or forget. It is in our interest to maintain our cultural superiority. We will continue the good fight.

Once, in one of their many failed bids to conquer the entire Middle East, Israel was in desperation to succumb Golam Heights to us. They had mismanaged the region so badly, we knew at that point, they had given up in their quest. How could the cowards ever succeed in dominating the entire world with heretic ideology, if they had not even managed to administer, let alone govern, Golam Heights. It was then that I poured grace and mercy on the Israelis – to relieve them of their burden of governing not just Golam Heights, but also help them manage 20 km into their territory. It was a sincere action on my part to relieve the oppressed – by proposing this, Syria was in fact alleviating Israel’s chronic political situations.

And what did their Sharon do? That reincarnation of the devil, that messenger of Hell, so blatantly rejected our offers. They disagreed so vehemently when all we were doing was showing compassion, giving the weak excuse that they would have no water supply. Which man -  let alone an entire state – in the right mind, would throw us that stupid reasoning? They were stalling the negotiations, even betraying their America. Who can trust them?

It is this government’s considered policy to ensure that we keep our Arabian tradition which saw us through the past millennium and made us the cultural hub of the world. I urge you, in view of keeping the peace, to support us. We are the government who will protect us against the Western hegemony and their continued pursuit to conquer the entire Middle East. It will only be a matter of time before we remove them altogether – with Israel wiped off – then the Arab nations will rejoice in the name of our fatherland and our god.

Unity by Islam. Strength by faith. Syria by Baath.

Always and forever -

Your President,

Bashar

 

(I wrote this a very, very long time ago – that means December last year. Renyan will take care to correct any factual errors, should they appear, because he knows about this. This was written all in one sitting – I had researched quite a bit into him after reading some BBC articles. Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave on a mountain under the sea floor, you should have heard of this guy.)