that extra 4km

Just when I thought I would waste today by not learning a single thing, this day taught me something new and valuable. I was getting more confident of running long distances – it wasn’t the long distance that taught me, but the time taken to run that distance.

13.5km Original Route

17.6km Actual route

For those map-literate, keeping to the original route would mean running through Tanglin, bypassing Redhill and running along the MRT route. Yet the route I took indeed cut through Tanglin, but I somehow strayed into Jervois, and landed up in Ganges Avenue, into Bukit Ho Swee, and Tiong Bahru.

At point 6 it began drizzling; by the time I reached 7 it was pouring. I stayed in a bus-stop, seeking shelter and doing the typical stationary exercises (dips, etc.). Soon it lightened to a mild drizzle, signalling that I could now move on. Then the mistake: I went onto Jervois Road – a highly unintelligent move. At point 8 I felt lost, and at 9 I asked a nice lady with a mixed accent who directed me to Tiong Bahru. And another lady who displayed some concern at me running in the rain. (I have this thing for asking ladies – there was this man I asked, but he couldn’t speak English, twirled his umbrella, and vigorously shook his head. This effectively proves that only females can sing.) It took another question to get me to Tiong Bahru – by then, factoring in all the stop-starts and rain-induced delays, it was 7-ish.

I entered Tiong Bahru station and asked the info counter if they had 10 cents to dial. They kindly gave that, after some hesitation at helping a drenched runner, and I phoned home. The reaction from my mum was expected – she was livid on the time I would return home, which she estimated to be 1.5 hours. Hardly exciting conversation pointless to reproduce here.

And I began to run. Tiong Bahru, Red Hill, Queenstown, Commonwealth, Buona Vista, Dover. Apprently it’s 6.5 km, and I completed it in less than an hour – thinking constantly, praying incessantly. The chief concern was that my mum would be worried, anxious, fearful. I didn’t want that. Weird, though, considering I should be indignant. After running for quite a bit even an hour for that distance seemed difficult – a third of the distance in less than a third of the time, with delays thrown in. Usually that distance is covered in less than half an hour. In any case, the song Though the Rain by mariah kept running through my mind. Very apt and very nice.

Obviously when I went home she was very… dao. She told me about how she called dad, now on a business trip, and “told” him how important it was for me to know how to go about running as a sport.

Perhaps the only compensation for running so long is that I become almost soaked. The smell from rain is satisfying. Make that the second. In fact, here’s a third: add two kinks to today’s track and it becomes a Singapore F1 racecourse lookalike. I loved today’s experience.

Getting lost is wonderful – if only I had more time to wander, then I would find my way.

When you get caught in the rain
With noware to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can’t find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay
What you say is,

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I’ll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.

back for good

Time heals.

I’ve exited from the more severe stages of depression with surprising expediency. I’m ready to speak. And it’s queer how the daily hits skyrocketed on the day that post was published. I still mean every word there: my mind hasn’t changed, it’s just that my emotional state has improved. I’m ready to speak, instead of leaving a queer, if not shocked, cliffhanger dangling in the minds of those even remotely concerned.

This crisis was unique in a few ways: firstly, the unprecedented plunge in my results. I don’t mean to be a snob armed with a loud-hailer, but my grades for anything have never fallen bellow 70 (i.e. the GPA 3.6), in close to 2 decades of existence. Naturally this applies to quite a number of people in RJC, but I can safely say I belong to a minority. It is cowardly to excuse myself for taking two entirely new subjects, Lit and Econs. In fact I was doing surprisingly well for both, until the Promos, which turned the tables. Imagine topping the level for Lit in one semester, then not hitting even an A all of a sudden. It’s not being a snob: on the contrary, it’s applying realistic standards. It was a freak result.

Many puzzled with the duration of this depression phase must understand that I had great expectations vested on me. Real failure is not 45 or 50, it’s the defeat of expectation. In my case it was catastrophic defeat – a field day for the mother of success, for all of my subjects. It wasn’t just a battle won, but a war which seemed over in the hour the results were released, and for a day I was unable to express any emotion. In fact throughout the post-results period, I didn’t even shed a tear. Not because it was “un-macho” to do so (frankly those who try to be macho turn out to be quite the opposite), but that I just didn’t feel any sadness for the first day. The first two days were characterised by numbness to the surroundings: people, family, anyone.

And the people who stood by helped me cope with the trauma. So it befits this post to publicly thank a few people who have made some critical difference to my state of mind. In particular, Ren Yan and Nicchee, who would suddenly grow quiet in front of me, avoiding topics, keeping quiet, cocooned within a mutual, but silent, understanding. Nigel, whose timely advice on drawing closer to God initially irritated me, but made sense soon after. Chele, whose conversation makes me know I’m not alone in this; Annie, whose extent of concern took me by gentle surprise. And my class, who forbore my silence. (and Jo and Robyn, who cutely tried to make conversation more than a couple of times.)

Quite a number asked how I was. The extent of this crisis could have struck some deeper chords of experiences people usually hide somewhere in their mind. I thank these people, and I might not have been very responsive, but I’ll try to respond in a more coherent manner in the near future. As mentioned in the previous post, my default answer is always “okay” to these things, without any tearful elaboration.

I should heal soon. Things will return back to normal. My confidence has been shattered badly for some subjects and almost entirely for others. It will take time to piece everything back together. I’m living within a dreamy continuum now. What went wrong? While this question remains I still am reluctant to consult any teachers at this point of time. The trauma is still unfolding.

I’m back, for good. I ran 15 km today, retracing the usual way to school, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. My appetite for good music from the Females Who Can Sing has returned. As Judith Guest would put it, depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling. I am not okay, but I’ll get there, with some help from God if He has some time to spare and doesn’t mind helping. It’d be nice to have some wisdom and favour in dealing with examinations. And failure.

I’m ready to take on more challenges. For now, I don’t need any more failures.

my saving grace

I wish I could sing this with conviction now.

I’ve still got a lot to learn
But, at least I know where I can turn
When I’m in my times of need
Just as long
(As I know all things are possible)
Just as long as I believe

I’ve loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fear
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free

Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you

Yes, I’ve been bruised
Grew up confused
Been destitute
I’ve seen life from many sides
Been stigmatized
Been black and white
Felt inferior inside
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free

Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you

And the bountiful things that you do
Lord thank you
For delivering me

And giving me peace
Giving me strength
Giving me hope when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
Always my saving grace
Pulls me through
I found my saving grace within you

(Yes you are – you’re my every, everything)
Within you…
(Only, only you)
Yes lord
(Only you)
My saving grace lord is
You

The Prodigal Son

John 3:16-17

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

¹⁷For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

This message was shared in church today, and I think it’s a very fitting reminder to the Christian (or variants) readership. The pastor shared a message on grace, and he drew some interesting links about the countenance of Jesus when he gives grace. But the most striking reference was the Prodigal Son.

Luke 15: The Parable of the Lost Son

¹¹ Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. ¹² And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. ¹³ And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. ¹⁴ But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. ¹⁵ Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. ¹⁶ And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.

¹⁷ “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! ¹⁸ I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, ¹⁹ and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’

²⁰ “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. ²¹ And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring^{[or Quickly bring]} out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. ²³ And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; ²⁴ for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.

²⁵ “Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. ²⁷ And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’

²⁸ “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. ³⁰ But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’

³¹ “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. ³² It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’”

Not only does the father display defining elements of unconditional love and grace, he also blatantly ignores the son’s words of disbelief and distrust.  Now we don’t have to be perfect to receive gain salvation – I think Jesus made that pretty clear – and that was expressed by the father’s actions toward the wayward son.

But look – when the son, already having accepted into the father’s arms, expresses his distrust, He lavishes all the grace there can be.

proof of God

It is possible to prove the existence of God in 400 words.

Note: No individual liberties are conferred to or subtracted from the viewer. “God” as follows may apply to any religion, and this proof does not apply to any religion or faith in general.

Pick any two objects. In fact, pick as many objects as you want. Name them A, B, C,  1, 2,3 or whatever you desire. There are always means of comparison between any plurality of objects, concepts or even beliefs.

To show how random these objects can be, we are going to pick two objects: a 5-carat diamond and joy. One immediately identifies numerous comparisons that can be made: the number of people who possess the objects, the impact made on the people who possess these, the time taken to enjoy them, the mass, even.

We can compare as many objects as we please, however large, bright, heavy, old, accurate, intelligent, powerful, interesting, shocking. The means of comaprison can be quantiative (arbitrary units) and/or qualitative. For instance, a lemon is more sour than a peach – there aren’t exactly units for sourness. Some objects, however, can be compared with units: an elephant is heavier than a person. In this instance, kilogrammes are used. Nevertheless, in all instances, we use a scale or a point of reference by which we can establish any form of comparison. We also see that all objects are relative to one another, regardless of the scale used.

Back to God. Common proporties of God (regardless of religion or faith) are that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present, all-encompassing. God is the standard by which we compare any number of objects.

For simplicity’s sake, let’s use a few common analogies here. You have the rainbow colours – blue, red, green, yellow, and millions more. (In this analogy) God is then all the colours. Or perhaps you have a set of numbers. God is then all numbers. Or maybe even pH values of different foods. God is then the pH scale itself – comprising all “pHs”. Or even us. You, the reader, and me, the writer. God certainly is not humanity, as many would like to jump at; rather, God is all humanity. Perhaps the stars. God is all the stars.

And, for the existence of any relatives (i.e. objects which are relative) to occur, there necessitates the existence of Standard. In other words, the very existence of objects – you, me – which are relative to each other, necessitate that a standard exists.

Any debate and/or recommendations to strenghten the theory are welcome.

(yet) another god-related post

Because of the temporary newfound boredom with nothing to do, I have written yet another God-related post to further the previous argument about the proof of God. This time it focuses on how the faith-religion dichotomy can explain the illogicality of those (including but not limited to atheists and “free-thinkers”) who previously quit the faith because of the religion.

thou shalt backup.

I haven’t posted for the past few days.

Because, as some might know, my computer crashed.

And of all viruses imaginable, a Boot Sector virus got into my computer. You know what that means? That means that I can’t boot! For days I had the problem “A problem occured with your hard disk (C:). Press Enter.”

After pressing enter, Windows Vista boots, and then the computer restarts. It does the same thing, tells you the same message, Vista restarts.

It was a harrowing experience, really.

You see, I do monthly, sometimes dual-monthly, backups of my documents. Especially for the “School” folder, which contains 3.5 years of brain-straining work. You most certainly don’t want to lose that.  Nor would anyone in the right frame of mind want to lose: or 

But here’s the best part: the Iomega HDD drive (and Iomega is one of the most respected hardware producers around) I was using didn’t work! A backup drive which fails to backup. Great – should we back up the back-up drive as well?

So I waited an anxious 2 days (from Tues to Thurs) for the com to be sent to the Repair Centre. Despite still under the warranty, the people there charged $80 because they there was a virus in my computer.

Thankfully, they managed to salvage a fair bit of data. They also saved my Setup downloads of various programmes, which, in my opinion, is probably the smartest thing I’ve seen someone do for this week.

So I had to go the long road of reinstalling 100-odd programmes, including all the essentials like Office07. Imagine – I lived for 6-7 days without Office! Omg.

Anyway, I really must thank God for his help with the com – I was hoping against hope that everything would be intact. It more or less is. Thank you Lord.

Here’s my new desktop for the e-voyeurs!

My life is in Your Hands