This is a concise and very useful summary of the credit crisis.

The Short and Simple Story of the Credit Crisis, by Jonathan Jarvis. © 2009.

Just when I thought I would waste today by not learning a single thing, this day taught me something new and valuable. I was getting more confident of running long distances – it wasn’t the long distance that taught me, but the time taken to run that distance.

13.5km Original Route

17.6km Actual route

For those map-literate, keeping to the original route would mean running through Tanglin, bypassing Redhill and running along the MRT route. Yet the route I took indeed cut through Tanglin, but I somehow strayed into Jervois, and landed up in Ganges Avenue, into Bukit Ho Swee, and Tiong Bahru.

At point 6 it began drizzling; by the time I reached 7 it was pouring. I stayed in a bus-stop, seeking shelter and doing the typical stationary exercises (dips, etc.). Soon it lightened to a mild drizzle, signalling that I could now move on. Then the mistake: I went onto Jervois Road – a highly unintelligent move. At point 8 I felt lost, and at 9 I asked a nice lady with a mixed accent who directed me to Tiong Bahru. And another lady who displayed some concern at me running in the rain. (I have this thing for asking ladies – there was this man I asked, but he couldn’t speak English, twirled his umbrella, and vigorously shook his head. This effectively proves that only females can sing.) It took another question to get me to Tiong Bahru – by then, factoring in all the stop-starts and rain-induced delays, it was 7-ish.

I entered Tiong Bahru station and asked the info counter if they had 10 cents to dial. They kindly gave that, after some hesitation at helping a drenched runner, and I phoned home. The reaction from my mum was expected – she was livid on the time I would return home, which she estimated to be 1.5 hours. Hardly exciting conversation pointless to reproduce here.

And I began to run. Tiong Bahru, Red Hill, Queenstown, Commonwealth, Buona Vista, Dover. Apprently it’s 6.5 km, and I completed it in less than an hour – thinking constantly, praying incessantly. The chief concern was that my mum would be worried, anxious, fearful. I didn’t want that. Weird, though, considering I should be indignant. After running for quite a bit even an hour for that distance seemed difficult – a third of the distance in less than a third of the time, with delays thrown in. Usually that distance is covered in less than half an hour. In any case, the song Though the Rain by mariah kept running through my mind. Very apt and very nice.

Obviously when I went home she was very… dao. She told me about how she called dad, now on a business trip, and “told” him how important it was for me to know how to go about running as a sport.

Perhaps the only compensation for running so long is that I become almost soaked. The smell from rain is satisfying. Make that the second. In fact, here’s a third: add two kinks to today’s track and it becomes a Singapore F1 racecourse lookalike. I loved today’s experience.

Getting lost is wonderful – if only I had more time to wander, then I would find my way.

When you get caught in the rain
With noware to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can’t find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay
What you say is,

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I’ll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.

This isn’t going to be a Lee-Wei-Ling-esque sort of thing, preaching conservatism or anti-materialism. (I find it almost laughable that she can be talking about the mind-improving, values-enhancing benefits of sleeping on a hard bed and talk about her in-house gym equipment and large bubble-jet printer in the same article.)

But I still cannot fail to be amazed by the inequality that exists, or is allowed to exist, in societies today. Last night I was just about to sleep, and was reaching out my hands to switch off the lights when I took this cursory glance around the room. The air-con was on, the ceiling was more than 3 metres high, there was a computer fan whirring, reluctant to shut down, the books I had, the windows and blinds, even the awards.  And I was on this non-budget mattress (you know what this means) with an actual bed cover. And was full from eating a luxury brand of ice-cream (told you I was not particularly conservative). What point do I even have to make here, that hasn’t been made before? Perhaps the fact that I am just too privileged to complain, yet I persist in doing so.

Life is easy when the air-con is on.

Dear Syria,

I am your President Bashar al-Assad. I was popularly elected at the age of 34, under the auspices of the Baath Party and my father, your previous President.

I am part of the Aluwite miniority clan, but, as unwilling as the Sunni Muslim majority was, I had a 97.2% support rate in the 2001 referendum. We exhibited that we were popularly selected, unlike other states like Bahrain or Jordan which have hereditary transfers of power. We were uncontested in this respect, and, having commanded the respect of all our people, I moved immediately for political reform.

When I was first elected, I took rapid action for a “New Deal” on rights. Over 600 political prisoners were released, most of them Islamists, and removed martial court and political prisons. I didn’t do those anymore. I gave the press some liberties, with sweeping conditions that they adopted our pan-Arabic stance. I believe the press necessarily enlighten the people of what their state is, and how their state responds to issues. The other parties have shown support for us by voluntarily curbing their newspapers.

I believe that we must join in solidarity in our unified fight against the Western forces of Satan. It is a national duty – Israel and the US constantly want to subert and destroy all that we hold dear, and we must prohibit them from doing so. It is in our interest, and indeed, in my interest too, therefore, to ensure that no Western concepts take root. I have banned democracy and its need for accountability and reform, as well as the civil society and its net of rights. These are solely Western concepts, and we cannot condone them if we are to protect our 4000-year-old superior heritage.

Some dissidents, agents of the West, have asked: why Lebanon? I have been trying to explain to us all, in the mist of martial law, that we had to assume responsibility of Lebanon as a natural political step, not because it generated profit for us by providing employment, but because our good ally, Iran, provides us with state cash in return for temporarily loaning space for Hezbollah operations. This organisation is crucial in our fight against the West, which we are winning. Iran’s nucleic rise means they can soon manufacture peaceful weapons, to make battle against the scarce US stockpiles and useless satellites.

We are of Arabian and Muslim ancestry, and we must continue to make the right foreign policy decisions for the right domestic reasons. We reject all US allies – Egypt, Israel, Jordan and Turkey – a conspiracy which we shall never forgive or forget. It is in our interest to maintain our cultural superiority. We will continue the good fight.

Once, in one of their many failed bids to conquer the entire Middle East, Israel was in desperation to succumb Golam Heights to us. They had mismanaged the region so badly, we knew at that point, they had given up in their quest. How could the cowards ever succeed in dominating the entire world with heretic ideology, if they had not even managed to administer, let alone govern, Golam Heights. It was then that I poured grace and mercy on the Israelis – to relieve them of their burden of governing not just Golam Heights, but also help them manage 20 km into their territory. It was a sincere action on my part to relieve the oppressed – by proposing this, Syria was in fact alleviating Israel’s chronic political situations.

And what did their Sharon do? That reincarnation of the devil, that messenger of Hell, so blatantly rejected our offers. They disagreed so vehemently when all we were doing was showing compassion, giving the weak excuse that they would have no water supply. Which man -  let alone an entire state – in the right mind, would throw us that stupid reasoning? They were stalling the negotiations, even betraying their America. Who can trust them?

It is this government’s considered policy to ensure that we keep our Arabian tradition which saw us through the past millennium and made us the cultural hub of the world. I urge you, in view of keeping the peace, to support us. We are the government who will protect us against the Western hegemony and their continued pursuit to conquer the entire Middle East. It will only be a matter of time before we remove them altogether – with Israel wiped off – then the Arab nations will rejoice in the name of our fatherland and our god.

Unity by Islam. Strength by faith. Syria by Baath.

Always and forever -

Your President,

Bashar

(I wrote this a very, very long time ago – that means December last year. Renyan will take care to correct any factual errors, should they appear, because he knows about this. This was written all in one sitting – I had researched quite a bit into him after reading some BBC articles. Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave on a mountain under the sea floor, you should have heard of this guy.)

Look at this list of people. You’ll realise how much they have accomplished.

They’re the same age as me. At the same time (and age) they’ve accomplished significantly more in their lives. Some have found their “calling” by being very good in what they do.

As the list for those born each year is created on Wikipedia, those appearing are either royalty, have been conceived through fancy technology, or were born with unique abnormalities. Yet as the years pass, each “batch” of the world’s young begins to reveal their potential and then – boomz – a talent explosion. And time begets irony: those born into this world with “royal blood” are gradually overshadowed by those who prove their worth, despite having “inferior” platelets. They don’t just kick football – they act, sing, dance, figure-skate. And just for starters, we have Miley Cyrus – no, no, I know what you’re thinking – who nevertheless has carved out quite a career for herself. Oh, did I mention? She earned $25 million last year. (Money doesn’t determine success, but it does serves as a crude barometer of success in some careers.)

I wish I could do those, or have a defining talent. Chances are, you desire the same thing too. We all do, because belong firmly in the former group of the Privileged. There are those among us who shine, but there are lights all over – on the soccer field, on the track, in the exam hall, in the studio. The world suffers from no dearth of talent, and definitely no lack of light.

We should carve out areas where we can fully excel. Not in the SS, National Education, our-only-resource-is-people sort of way. But in a revolutionary expression of creative energy.

Something – I don’t know - unique.

La.

Why can’t I find anyone to sing this to?

When I’m lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I’ll find the light to light my way.
And when I’m scared and losing ground;
When my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around.

And when I’m down you’re there; pushing me to the top.
You’re always there; giving me all you’ve got.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

When I lose my will to win,
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything,
‘Cause your love is so amazing; ’cause your love inspires me.

And when I need a friend, you’re always on my side;
Giving me faith that gets me through the night.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain;
For truth that will never change;
For someone to lean on;
for a heart I can rely on through anything;
For that one who I can run to….
I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true…

For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you…

Why didn’t I re-watch this earlier?

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I ain’t breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Time heals.

I’ve exited from the more severe stages of depression with surprising expediency. I’m ready to speak. And it’s queer how the daily hits skyrocketed on the day that post was published. I still mean every word there: my mind hasn’t changed, it’s just that my emotional state has improved. I’m ready to speak, instead of leaving a queer, if not shocked, cliffhanger dangling in the minds of those even remotely concerned.

This crisis was unique in a few ways: firstly, the unprecedented plunge in my results. I don’t mean to be a snob armed with a loud-hailer, but my grades for anything have never fallen bellow 70 (i.e. the GPA 3.6), in close to 2 decades of existence. Naturally this applies to quite a number of people in RJC, but I can safely say I belong to a minority. It is cowardly to excuse myself for taking two entirely new subjects, Lit and Econs. In fact I was doing surprisingly well for both, until the Promos, which turned the tables. Imagine topping the level for Lit in one semester, then not hitting even an A all of a sudden. It’s not being a snob: on the contrary, it’s applying realistic standards. It was a freak result.

Many puzzled with the duration of this depression phase must understand that I had great expectations vested on me. Real failure is not 45 or 50, it’s the defeat of expectation. In my case it was catastrophic defeat – a field day for the mother of success, for all of my subjects. It wasn’t just a battle won, but a war which seemed over in the hour the results were released, and for a day I was unable to express any emotion. In fact throughout the post-results period, I didn’t even shed a tear. Not because it was “un-macho” to do so (frankly those who try to be macho turn out to be quite the opposite), but that I just didn’t feel any sadness for the first day. The first two days were characterised by numbness to the surroundings: people, family, anyone.

And the people who stood by helped me cope with the trauma. So it befits this post to publicly thank a few people who have made some critical difference to my state of mind. In particular, Ren Yan and Nicchee, who would suddenly grow quiet in front of me, avoiding topics, keeping quiet, cocooned within a mutual, but silent, understanding. Nigel, whose timely advice on drawing closer to God initially irritated me, but made sense soon after. Chele, whose conversation makes me know I’m not alone in this; Annie, whose extent of concern took me by gentle surprise. And my class, who forbore my silence. (and Jo and Robyn, who cutely tried to make conversation more than a couple of times.)

Quite a number asked how I was. The extent of this crisis could have struck some deeper chords of experiences people usually hide somewhere in their mind. I thank these people, and I might not have been very responsive, but I’ll try to respond in a more coherent manner in the near future. As mentioned in the previous post, my default answer is always “okay” to these things, without any tearful elaboration.

I should heal soon. Things will return back to normal. My confidence has been shattered badly for some subjects and almost entirely for others. It will take time to piece everything back together. I’m living within a dreamy continuum now. What went wrong? While this question remains I still am reluctant to consult any teachers at this point of time. The trauma is still unfolding.

I’m back, for good. I ran 15 km today, retracing the usual way to school, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. My appetite for good music from the Females Who Can Sing has returned. As Judith Guest would put it, depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling. I am not okay, but I’ll get there, with some help from God if He has some time to spare and doesn’t mind helping. It’d be nice to have some wisdom and favour in dealing with examinations. And failure.

I’m ready to take on more challenges. For now, I don’t need any more failures.

I wish I could sing this with conviction now.

I’ve still got a lot to learn
But, at least I know where I can turn
When I’m in my times of need
Just as long
(As I know all things are possible)
Just as long as I believe

I’ve loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fear
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free

Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you

Yes, I’ve been bruised
Grew up confused
Been destitute
I’ve seen life from many sides
Been stigmatized
Been black and white
Felt inferior inside
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free

Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you

And the bountiful things that you do
Lord thank you
For delivering me

And giving me peace
Giving me strength
Giving me hope when I’d
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
Always my saving grace
Pulls me through
I found my saving grace within you

(Yes you are – you’re my every, everything)
Within you…
(Only, only you)
Yes lord
(Only you)
My saving grace lord is
You